Spectre Review – Moviegoers Terrorized with Boredom

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There are no spoilers in this James Bond Spectre review (you can’t spoil rotten meat).

So on shotgun notice my dad calls, out of the blue like he does, to invite me to see the latest regurgitation of the James Bond franchise.  Though a Bond flick wouldn’t be my first choice, I happily agreed to meet up with him to see the show.

I’ll do you a solid and just get to it.

Spectre Review

Worst.  Mistake.  Ever.  No seriously, blow my f$*i@ brains out (*fistbump*).

So with a meager ten or so people in the theatre, Spectre wastes no time in sliding right into this unending abyss of boring and predictable.  And be very careful because once it starts it gets ya and you just can’t get out.  Dad passes out within the first 20 minutes.  Now I know I’m on my own.  Try imagining being stuck on a really long fight sitting between a sick baby and the guy that always seems to creep up in your personal space with his knees, elbows and thunder thighs.  Each scene just drags onwards to the next.

My biggest issue was it felt like the entire 2.5 hour film delivered just about 18 seconds total of action throughout the movie.  And it did so in the meanest way possible.  So when an action scene did come, it would arrive abruptly following an obnoxiously tedious stretch of monotonous plotting and dialogue.  A typical person needs three or four seconds to come to their senses after waking up.  The action scenes were be over before I could come to.  So, so bad.  Try to imagine playing “think fast” (the game where someone throws an inanimate object really really fast at your head), but on whippets.

The Spectre plot was thin and the dialogue induced a slight and discomforting nausea.  It’s a Bond movie for sure, but this one just felt lame.  Even Bond was lame.  I mean, his car was lame, his gadgets were lame and his girl was lame.  But his game was even lamer!  And that doesn’t make sense.

Anyways, the movie attempts to repeat the same tired formula but epically fails.  Boo and save your money.  You’ll get a better nap on your couch.

Shoutout and a liquor pour for Goldeneye on Nintendo 64.

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