Most Punchable Face – Top 20 of 2016


These are boisterous times we live in.  Civil discourse seems a thing from a flowery, antiquated past—today we just yell.  Be we some hot bag of gas faux-news anchor, the latest arrogant, talentless pop star, or any of a number of frighteningly real presidential contenders, we yell.  We escalate conflict.  This puts no one at ease, of course; we’re left irritated, all too ready to say to ourselves: maybe that infantile, overrated Chuck Palahniuk book was right.  Maybe we’re going to have to punch our way out of this.  Who has the most punchable face?

But even that scrawny, whiny, yippity Ed Norton character in Fight Club knew better than to swing indiscriminately. Like him, potential punchers must discharge their rage only where appropriate.

So who has the most punchable face?

These people are.  The twenty people listed below have what we’ll call the most punchable faces of the day. It stems from profound deficiencies in their humanity—cheats, criminals, selfish pricks, et al—and combines that villainy with a face that no one was going to warm to anyway. These are the folks who’ve brought the phrase “resting bitch face” into our vernacular (or, more often for government types, simply “bitch face.”)

Caution, readers, that this is by no means an appeal to violence. In other words: don’t punch anybody! Certainly don’t blame us if you do! And to those on this list, you who appear in our feeds and on our televisions screaming obvious lies, flagrantly exploiting others, reveling in your absolute shamelessness—let love into your hearts. Reconsider your hurtful ways. Honestly, really, for your sakes. Otherwise some crazies out there might decide they want to punch you!

No harm shall be done. Agreed? Wonderful. Now let’s begin by fantasizing of harm done upon…

20.) Kanye West

(Image courtesy Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images.)

There are some who still swear by Kanye’s genius as an emcee, and there’s a case to be made for that, maybe. But as per some “genius” at being a decent human being? Sorry, Yeezus doesn’t ride the same bus as the normal kids. He sought out, wooed, and wed the world’s most overpriced sex doll; he’s even called wife Kim Kardashian “the most intriguing woman right now,” a clear “F-U” to Nobel Prize-winner Malala Yousafzai, as well as every other woman who’s ever done something more worthwhile than plaster her boobs all over the internet. When Beck—a guy whose every album since 1994 has been a bona fide masterpiece—finally won some deserved Grammy recognition in 2015, Kanye opined that “Beck needs to respect artistry and he should have given his award to Beyoncé” (Bey is incredible, no doubt, but hardly deserving of an embarrassing Kanye tantrum). Most recently, the guy who married into the $300 million Kardashian-Jenner juggernaut claimed to be $53 million in debt, and begged Mark Zuckerberg for a floater of one billion dollars. Dog owners know what to do with a spoiled pooch who lashes out unthinkingly, who whines incessantly when she can’t have what isn’t hers—you take a rolled-up newspaper and whack that bitch on the snout.

19.) Charlie Sheen

(Image courtesy Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

We might feel much worse about this entry if not for the fact that HIV is no longer the death sentence it used to be. Or conversely, after all Charlie’s done, we might wish we could send him back to 1983. Let’s forget for a moment that Two and a Half Men was the unforgivably raunchy and sophomoric show that paid him $1.8 million per episode—every 10th grade boy should be so lucky as to make a fortune via artlessly delivered dick and fart jokes. We’ll instead focus on the legitimate damage he’s done to a number of people, not least of which being his family. In 2009, Sheen assaulted (feloniously at that) third wife Brooke Mueller on Christmas Day; social services would later take their twin infant sons into protective custody. In 2010, the actor caused $7,000 worth of damages to a high-end hotel—this in a cocaine-induced raged, accompanied by a prostitute, all while ex-wife Denise Richards and their two daughters slept in an adjacent room. From there, he took roost with a number of pornographic models and adult film stars, only to reveal his HIV-positive status in late 2015. In a bizarre “open letter” penned for the Today Show, he attributed his infection to the company of “unsavory and insipid types” who would later prove “desperate charlatans.” To wit: a serial abuser of women got what he deserved—better than what he deserved, truth be told—and then in libelous fashion, he actually blamed his condition on the people whose sexual company he both solicited and paid for. Pro boxers don’t go bare knuckle; they wear gloves. To whomever might pop Sheen on his Walking Dead snout: slather that glove with nonoxynol-9, and wrap it in latex besides.

18.) Antonin Scalia’s Ghost

(Image courtesy AFP.)

We’ll give the guy at least this much credit: he’d have cracked the Top Ten had he not done us the favor of dying. Yes, of course we second-guess our dislikes and grievances when anyone shuffles off this mortal coil; even Stephen Colbert gave the recently departed an almost glowing sendoff. But in the case of a scoundrel like Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: screw that, screw him, and let’s erect a toilet on his grave. We’re talking about an Uncle Tom Italian who betrayed his people, their history, and their values for despot Ronald Reagan’s PR stab at “inclusiveness.” From there, he’d overturn American democracy outright, virtually coronating crony George W. Bush president when all popular and general election indicators would have favored Al Gore. He also gave us Citizens United, which effectively grants corporate billions a hell of a lot more say-so in government than any and all of us American voters. And yes, gentle readers, we acknowledge that punching a bloated, doughy-faced ghost might prove difficult. Fortunately, that Ghostbusters reboot is due in theaters soon; guess who had to have been Slimer’s grosser, far more frightening grandpa this whole time? Zap Scalia with your Proton Packs, put him in the containment unit, and then ship the whole affair to Hell where it belongs. Li mortacci tua, de tuo nonno, de tua madre e dei 3/4 daa palazzina tua, Tony.

17.) Bill Cosby

(Image is in the public domain.)

He’s been good and pilloried in the court of public opinion—which is personally damaging, of course, but by no measure legally binding; civil and criminal proceedings remain pending. But when over 50 women (and counting) have accused Bill Cosby of rape, sexual violence, and even child sexual abuse, we can’t help but feel betrayed by the guy once dubbed “America’s Dad.” The 1980s were a hugely imperfect time. But in a television monoculture—no more than five stations broadcasting at any time—The Cosby Show offered wayward kids respite, an escape into stability when all else was turbulence. So yes, it hurts like hell now to think of every episode where Rudy’s or Vanessa’s friends stayed the night, to find ourselves asking: So what did Dr. Huxtable put in those kids’ drinks, anyway? And then what did that pervert do to them? Contrary to conventional wisdom, sexual assault is rarely a matter of an unfamiliar creep leaping out from the street to abduct someone. More often, it’s perpetrated by a non-stranger, a family friend—and no one seemed friendlier, more exemplary of family itself than Cosby. A generation is heartbroken, and tens upon tens of women are likely in worse shape. If found guilty, Bill will get his. And it’s not for fear of punching that the adage goes “don’t drop the soap.”

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