Most Punchable Face – Top 20 of 2016


8.) Brad

(Image courtesy SGK.)

God damn it, Brad! Do you really think we don’t know it was you stealing all the Pabst out of the cooler? This after you just showed up wanting to hang out, even though no one really wanted you there, but nobody said anything because we didn’t want to be dicks? You’re a jerk, Brad! And then, and THEN you had the nerve to try and bum a ride even though you never give anybody gas money, and my car still smells weird since the last time you were in it? Go to hell, Brad! Oh, and by the way, Mandi told us about the crap you tried to pull at Dave’s cookout. Mandi is Mark’s girl, Brad; you go messing around like that again, and you just watch what Mark does—Mark’s a chilled out guy, he’s cool, but you are cruisin’ for a bruisin’, I’m telling you. He is going to punch you in the face, and when that day comes, I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh. You’re gonna get it, Brad, just you wait. Stupid Brad!

7.) Ted Cruz

(Image courtesy Jack Gruber/USA Today.)

Look at him. Just look at him. Pretend for a second that you’ve never heard the name Ted Cruz, and drink in that wormy face as if for the first time. You don’t like it one bit, do you? Kind of makes you both angry and nauseous, doesn’t it? As it turns out, that’s normal—a neurologist has actually published a paper explaining what makes Cruz’s “unsettling” face so revolting to look upon. His very own daughter, after all, was visibly repulsed by her father’s embrace. Now remember that you do know exactly who Ted is. His ham-fisted stab at a tough-on-terror quip—“I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out,”—not only threatened a war crime, but sounded quite a lot like the sort of psychotic thing those Columbine shooters would have seethed through inhuman smiles. He is, as Bill Maher put it, “a chicken hawk with a law degree;” he’s the fiercely anti-immigrant son of a Cuban immigrant; he’s the walking glob of pizza dough who, as this 1988 VHS footage shows, was never at all liked or likeable, even before he took on the appearance of last year’s jack-o-lantern. True, he defeated Trump in the Iowa caucus—the enemy of our enemy is our friend, we guess—but could only do so through underhanded trickery, and then never again. So, so detestable. And God help us, so punchable.

6.) Donald Trump

(Image courtesy Reuters/Dominick Reuter.)
trump most punchable face

There was no way in God’s green Creation we could compile a list like this without including Donald J. Trump; truth be told, it was Trump that came first, and from there, the urge to pummel faces followed quickly and naturally. He was mildly amusing on that program where he just said “you’re fired” all the time, or with insipid Twitter feuds that were of no more consequence than Nicki Minaj’s latest beef. We’d thought the announcement of his presidency would amount to no more than a sideshow distraction, that the foggy line dividing entertainment television and government affairs would finally become clear. Good Holy Jesus, were we ever wrong. He began by describing damned near every Mexican alive as a rapist or dope peddler, and then somehow steered the ensuing wave of controversy into snowballing support. He pledged to militarily target the families of overseas terrorists—for those keeping score, that’s the second campaign promise here that, according to international laws we’ve sworn to uphold and enforce, would amount to a war crime on par with anything ISIS currently does. With his complaints of libel—an absolute non-issue for everybody but the Donald—he’s outlined a plan to rob the press and the rest of us of our First Amendment rights. Birthright citizenship, too, is another right woven into our Constitution that Trump would just as soon tear out, just as he’d undo our historical tradition of offering hope and opportunity to immigrants (for the record, Columbus didn’t exactly land on the Trump Tower 500 years ago). Astoundingly, these naked vows to burn the whole establishment down and erect a new Apartheid in its place have not only failed to faze him, but have actually buoyed his popularity; at the time of this writing, Trump’s poised to collect most or all of the GOP delegates up for grabs this Super Tuesday (and at that point, Hillary Rodham Clinton will look like a Messiah sent from God Himself). His rise doesn’t just defy political convention; it defies all that’s good in our country and in ourselves. Yes, Nazi comparisons are just about always odious, but this one is chillingly for real: it’s too late to go back and wallop Adolf Hitler when it might have done some good. With this soulless autocrat, we’ve still got a chance. Let’s knock him back into one of his unfinished, bankrupt casinos, and way the hell away from the White House.

5.) Trump Supporters

(Image courtesy Mark Wallheiser.)

Demon though he may be, the Donald would be nowhere without his supporters. Green Day wrote a theme song for them, and it wasn’t “Longview.” Yes, we’d do better as a nation to usher in all the undocumented workers and refugees we can than we would to build the wall that shutters these American Idiots in here. And “idiot,” without hyperbole, is absolutely the term. A study by the Washington Post concluded that they’re poor, they’re white, they’re mostly men, and they never bothered with college. They think our sitting president is a Muslim (demonstrably false) born in Kenya (again, false), according to a Public Policy Polling report. Anything that smacks of an insult—you know, like unflattering reports by the PPP or Washington Post—they attribute to a vicious “mainstream media” that’s simply out to get them (apparently, it hurts the feelings of ignorant bigots to be labeled as ignorant bigots). They harbor similarly paranoid sentiments regarding minorities, immigrants, and foreigners; there’s no better example of this than David Duke, the former Klu Klux Klan Grand Wizard who endorsed Trump, and who likely has his own ideas as to how to make America “great again.” It’s ghastly enough when the Donald says of a protester, “Maybe he should have been roughed up;” these are the goons who unthinkingly do it. Safe within the confines of a lecture hall in Alabama, and egged on by a Stalinesque cult of personality, the angry mobs did as angry mobs do. But when that brawl spills out onto the national stage, they’ll encounter other notions of to who needs to be roughed up.

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