Most Punchable Face – Top 20 of 2016

  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

4.) ISIS

(Image courtesy NBC.)
IsIs

The eagle-eyed will notice the above is actually not a genuine photo of ISIS; that’s actress Dakota Johnson and comic Kyle Mooney in a polarizing SNL spoof. Forgive us our photographic dishonesty, but as anyone who’s Googled “ISIS” can tell you, images authenticated by the group will turn one’s stomach, sink one’s heart, and get a person wishing for blindness or death. The Vietcong and Manson Family combined couldn’t dream up the savagery wrought by this suicide cult. Attacks like the ones on Paris are unquestionably atrocious, and we’re right to be appalled; but in territory held by the so-called Islamic State, that sort of hell is unending, with no stable governing body able to restore order. They perform beheadings, they muscle children into acting as their human IEDs, they war, torture, and rape indiscriminately—and no, we will not provide supporting links here, as that’s one internet septic tank no one needs to crawl into. Of course not every Arab or “foreign looking” person is affiliated with the group—but one goal of their propaganda wing is to get the world thinking exactly that. When we’re terrified—pardon, terrorized—we wind up voting for shameless jingoists like Cruz or Trump, and we play right into ISIS’ hands. We become the Evil Empire they say we are, which makes their recruiting effort that much easier, which perpetuates their reign. They’re chopping heads off over there, and they’ve got us losing our heads here. So let’s deviate from the script a bit and say: to hell with punching, these animals deserve an eternity of torment, no less. And pardon our vulgate, but it’s time someone said it: fuck ISIS!

3.) (tie) Charles Koch & David Koch

(Image courtesy John Chiasson/Liaison; Robin Platzer/FilmMagic.)
Koch

Meet Charles and David Koch, runners up for the most punchable face. Quick introduction: they’re worse than ISIS. We say this because ISIS mostly just attacks us from the outside—places where we can unleash airstrikes and wage drone wars with varying degrees of success (or not). But for decades, the Koch boys have been skulking behind the scenes in Palpatine-like fashion, undermining American democracy from within. At an estimated $41 billion net worth each, the Kochs head the nebulous Koch Industries, which itself brings in $115 billion yearly via oiling, coaling, cooking up chemicals, deforestation, and the like. In terms of air pollution alone, they’re the 14th biggest offender in the country, and—whoops—also spilled 11.6 million gallons of crude in just eight short years. This might have left them vulnerable to any number of lawsuits, fines, penalties, or jail outright, if their profane amount of money hadn’t bought the politicians who craft our laws. Since the late 1990s, they’ve put $22 million towards various candidates and another $79 million towards lobbyists. According to Forbes, they essentially purchased the GOP congressional landslide of 2010 for the paltry sum of $45 million. In other words, your representatives represent them, no one else. And while it’s true that it’s been some years since congress actually accomplished anything, local governments plug along quite under the radar. Enter ALEC, the American Legislative Exchange Council. It’s a handy little club that caters to the highest bidder, drafts “model bills” that tend to be “business friendly,” and then pushes them on small government officials nationwide—and often they pass without a word of alteration. Among their largest bankrollers is the Charles G. Koch Foundation. Charles Koch is 80 years of age, while David is 75. It makes us very sad to think they might not be with—oops, another typo; it makes us very glad to think they might not be with us much longer. But a punch is a punch. For oligarchic traitors like these, we’ll swing wherever we can, even if we’ve first got to open the caskets.

2.) Martin Shkreli

(Image courtesy Joshua Roberts/Reuters.)
Shkreli

As with Ted Cruz, we can only begin here with a disgusted “Look at him. Just look at this smarmy little snail of a manchild.” To Cruz’s credit—and no one will ever use that phrase again—he at least makes an impossible effort to be liked.  Not so with former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli, for whom it seems only hatred on a grand scale can gratify him sexually.  This guy definitely has a most punchable face.  At Turing, he bought the exclusive rights to Daraprim, a low-cost drug on the market since 1953 which has literally saved the lives of cancer and AIDS patients—and he hiked the price 5,556% overnight. Later, indicted on securities-fraud, the “Pharma Bro” made a dopey, obnoxious display of his testimony before congress—just watch the clip, and try not to let rage consume your soul. Afterwards, free from the sure chokehold of security guards his mouth would have incurred earlier, he retreated into the safe arms of Twitter to lambast the folks who’d let him walk out a free man, just as an impudent child sticks his tongue out at the schoolbus bully only after he’s stepped safely onto the street (and no, our congress is still not liked; the fact is that we hate you much more, Marty). If he winds up in prison, as he should, it’s going to be Bundy and Fogle we root for in this match-up. But that seems unfair—we’d already wished for ISIS to be swallowed into hell. We hope Shkreli gets to join them, and soon, so the terrorists will have finally found a target who deserves it.

1.) Donald Trump

(Image courtesy Andrew Harnik/AP.)
Trump3

Psych! There’s no leaving this guy at number six on the list. Not to beat a dead horse—or rather, a man made of dead horse skin—but if we put together a thousand top 20 most punchable lists like this, Trump would appear no less than five thousand times. Or, excuse us: his name is Drumpf. God bless national treasure John Oliver for pointing this out—there’s an enormous divide between ubiquitous television gadfly Donald Trump, the self-serving jackass who’ll say anything to capture your attention, to promote the brand that is himself, and the actual, sad little bungling thing that lives inside flesh resembling a Goodwill suitcase. Trump made a fine showing here, cracking the top ten with the most punchable face.  But he’s a wholly fictitious thing, like Tony the Tiger, or the Stephen Colbert of ten years ago. Donald Drumpf, on the other hand—and that’s his actual, laughable ancestral name—is the man behind the curtain. Is Trump worth billions? What a fine Hallmark Hall of Fame movie premise. Drumpf is actually poorer than actor Michael Douglas, and by no stretch as easy on the eyes. If Trump “tells it like it is,” it’s because the Drumpf behind the mask has said every goofy thing a person can possibly say, as evidenced by this clip. If Trump is an unqualified success, Drumpf is the plucky underdog who’s filed time and again for bankruptcy to retain a colossal familial inheritance he’s no damned good at hanging onto. Is Trump some kind of tough guy? Well, no—just like alter-ego Herr Donald Drumpf, he’s very obviously a fantastic pussy with the most punchable face. Please forgive the crude term, but how else would you describe a guy who won’t let go of squabbles with Rosie O’Donnell, of all people?

So there it is—Donald J. Trump is the ephemeral siren song leading morons into voting booths. They might as well vote for Batman. If charlatanism rules the day, it’s Donny Drumpf who’ll actually be president. And that Drumpf kid is an abject failure, or if you will, a loser, a nincompoop who takes good things and drives them straight into the ground. Hey, either of you two Donalds: consider inventing another comic book version of yourselves. Maybe one that’s got the balls to talk smack on an overweight, angry lesbian to her face, or one that transforms into an impossible border wall. Or—and we know this sounds crazy—dream up a persona that knows what the truth is, and knows enough tell it. Dream up a Donald with the decency to acknowledge that Trump should not and cannot ever be our president. Give us all the better-than-the-real-thing Second Life fantasies you can muster, you Drumpfhole. We’ll redouble our righteous fists accordingly.

…or at least that’s our take. What do you think, MilkLumpers? Did we miss someone you would have included? Is there anyone here you’d defend in a bar fight Bristol Palin-style? Feel free to voice your opinions in the comments section below. Or, if you’re logged in, use Facebook to drag this melee into your social circle. We’ll all have a great time pissing off friends and winning new online enemies. Because if Tyler Durden taught us anything, it’s that there’s a time for niceties, and a time for starting fights.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *