Help Milk Lump Remake “Back to the Future” with the Entire Original Cast!

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(Image courtesy Universal Pictures/Getty Images)
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Back to the Future is one of those rare cultural paragons moviegoers are lucky to encounter once, maybe twice in a lifetime. The script is studied to this day at the University of Southern California Film School, which describes it as “The Perfect Screenplay,” and the movie itself has been enshrined by the Library of Congress, forever preserved in the National Film Registry. For ages, legions of avid fans have been clamoring for a sequel, or in more recent years, a reboot. The reboot phenomenon, as we know, is a perilous endeavor—J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek and Chris Nolan’s Dark Knight are the success stories, but box office disasters like the remakes of Robocop and Total Recall are more the norm. We’re proposing a solution, or if you will, a moonshot: Milk Lump has plans to produce a shot-for-shot remake of Back to the Future with both the original script and the entire original cast! And we won’t have to go begging any sleazy Hollywood producers to bankroll the project. Through the magic of crowdfunding, we’ll be begging you, our readers!

We can do this, people. But be warned: it’s going to take money. A whole lot of spending money. Remember that every little contribution counts; if all you’ve got to spare is a dollar or two, we’ll gladly accept it. Beyond that, however, we’d really rather you each send us four-figure contributions at the very, very least. Your local payday loan office is a great way to obtain this cash at no cost to us. If that sounds like a bit much, bear in mind: we’re crafting something much greater than ourselves here. Also consider how much we’ve all texted to Haiti and similar causes, with no return whatsoever on such investments. If we can make our goal, we’ll at least print up tee-shirts for you or something.

Here, then, is our budget breakdown—the money you’ll have to forfeit to get this project moving. Can you really put a price on the chance to be a part of movie history? We’re going to try.

According to IMDb.com, the film’s 1984 production budget was an estimated $19 million. At an annual inflation rate of 2.69%, that would translate to $44,363,030.60 in today’s dollars. We’d love to say that this amount alone would see this affair through to completion, but the truth is that it won’t be quite so easy. Since having appeared in the iconic original film, many of the actors’ profiles have risen significantly. Michael J. Fox, for example, was paid a reported $250,000 for his first turn as Marty McFly; today, his net worth is roughly $65 million. What’s more, Fox has made it clear that, largely due to DeLorean-related injuries incurred during filming, a reprisal of the McFly role would require “a lot” of money. Erring on the side of abundance, we’re going to allot no less than one half billion dollars to make this worth Fox’s time. We’re guessing the hockey-loving actor will want that in Canadian dollars, so for our friends to the North: if you can’t pony up $670,750,570.49 CAD (conversion rate as of 3/2/2016), this whole thing is already shot to shit.

(Image courtesy L. Cohen/Getty Images)
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And while stars like Fox, Christopher Lloyd, and Lea Thompson have all seen their stock rise since 1985, time has drawn their weathered bones closer to the ground. A highly-skilled team of EMTs and other medical professionals will therefore have to be present ‘round the clock in order to keep our investments in working condition. It’s true, very sadly, that Michael J. Fox has been waging a horrible battle with Parkinson’s disease since 1991. Fortunately for our purposes, he is, again, a Canadian citizen, privy to the finest public health care system on the planet, so that devastating illness has already paid for itself. If push comes to shove, we’ll see if Michael can’t smurf meds for the remaining cast from his doctor in Edmonton and smuggle them back down here. Things get a bit trickier in the case of Christopher Lloyd. In his younger days, he seemed to us a hugely skilled character actor specializing in eccentric roles. As the years have worn on, however, we’ve grown quite certain that he is, in fact, genuinely deranged. As such, he’ll need constant psychiatric supervision. A ballpark guesstimate for this expense would be another half billion, this time in far more valuable American dollars. While that might sound steep, it’s the least we can do to prevent Lloyd from inevitably snapping and biting Lea Thompson’s face off, which would be surely incur double that figure in civil damages.

Above all, this remake is going to be a matter of authenticity in every possible sense. This might prove daunting given that a number of the actors appearing in the film over 30 years ago are no longer among the living. The role of Doc’s beloved pooch Einstein, for example, was played by animal actor Tiger. That thing has to have been dead for years. Fortunately, Korean firm Sooam Biotech is—no joke—the world’s premier dog cloning facility. Once a crack-team of canine exhumologists (budgetary allotment pending; our Craigslist “exhumologists wanted” campaign is still shopping for deals) has secured viable tissue, Sooam Biotech can grow us a brand new Tiger for a paltry $100,000. The same will have to be done for whatever the heck dog actor that played Copernicus. This would bring our cloning budget to $200,000; luckily, Sooam Biotech orders over $150,000 come with free Crab Rangoon.

The cloning of human beings, unfortunately, is still an imperfect and hugely unethical science, so here’s where things get difficult. George DiCenzo, who played Lorraine’s father Sam Baines, passed away in 2010; Will Hare, who played the pivotal role of the pine tree farmer, passed in 1997; presumably others too number among the dead. But thanks to the magnificent interconnectivity of the World Wide Web, it’s easier than ever to locate and hire a witch doctor, preferably one certified in reanimating the deceased. This very obviously reputable Facebook page, for example, advertises the service of Nairobi’s most powerful folk sorcerer. As with our search for exhumologists, the requisite cost of this Godless but critical endeavor has yet to be determined, and will hopefully be subject to negotiation—straws will be drawn among our monetary donors to establish who’ll be offering the blood penance. Waivers will have to be signed to protect us from indemnification in the event that any dæmons, djinn, duppies, and/or other spectral entities eat the souls of any parties involved. Forgive us if this seems extreme, but as we’ve said, this project is going to be unwaveringly authentic—a Back to the Future remake so faithful to the original, it might as well be an identical copy.

As per Crispin Glover, who played George McFly: we’ve heard that he’s notoriously difficult to work with. As such, the role of George will be played by a puppet. In this instance, donations of socks, yarn, and buttons are perfectly acceptable.

And now, a bit of bad news. Even with all the other pieces in place, none of this can even begin without what we’ll call a “black budget.” This is because director Robert Zemeckis and co-writer Bob Gale—both of whom retain the rights to the franchise—have sworn time and again that no remake or reboot would ever take place. In fact, when pressed by the Daily Telegraph, Zemeckis said of any remake, “Oh, God, no… that can’t happen until both Bob [Gale] and I are dead.” Summoning the dead to walk is one thing, but the inverse of that process, commonly known as “murder,” shall remain entirely off the table, so long as it proves unnecessary. Luckily, since US troop presence overseas has diminished appreciably in recent years, a number of perfectly good “black site” prisons now have vacancies. What’s more, such sites are rarely located in regions with high property values—rentals in Abu Ghraib, for example, are rumored to be highly affordable—so interring Misters Gale and Zemeckis should cost far less than any studio apartment in Brooklyn. We will ensure, inasmuch as anyone possibly can, that neither will be tortured significantly, and that access to food and water hoses will be no less than occasional. With Back to the Future’s exclusive rights holders temporarily sidelined, our remake is a go! The hard part, of course, will be procuring said entities and transporting them to said undisclosed end destination. This, too, is where the internet comes to the rescue. According to REDACTED, highly skilled REDACTED offer a number of REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED the very same professionals REDACTED REDACTED former Vice President REDACTED with an eye on quality, these REDACTED tie up all the loose ends, CLASSIFIED not a single body ever found, REDACTED CLASSIFIED REDACTED REDACTED “so our customers can rest easy.” All that for just $XX,XXX,XXX,XXX. What a deal!

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There you have it! That’s how we do the impossible—that’s how we bring an all-new Back to the Future to the next generation of cinephiles! We’re sure you’re all chomping at the bit to find out how you can contribute. It’s simple: just stuff all the cash you possibly can into a large manila envelope. Be sure to write “Back to the Future $$$” on said envelope, and then place that along with a few strands of your firstborn’s hair under the doormat on your porch. Then go back inside, turn off every light, and help yourself to a bottle of fine Kentucky Bourbon. Now it’s time to brush your teeth; spend no less than 30 seconds on the upper and downer rows each. Don’t bother rinsing or spitting. From there, lie wide awake in bed for a while, in a cold, panicky sweat if possible. Finally, leap back out of bed—careful though, you’re still very drunk!—retrieve your money from under that doormat, and ask yourself: “What the hell am I doing with my life?”

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